psychkick

Noori - Meray Log

2007-01-31T01:17:00.000-05:00

Beautiful Song. Beautiful Video.

What the F?

2007-01-20T11:46:00.000-05:00

There's something wrong with me. I just dipped a salted biscuit in my tea. :(

a kiss goodnight.

2006-12-24T18:07:00.000-05:00

run away to that secret place you go.
leave a trail of things you used to know.
tears stream down,
happiness you embrace.
kiss your worries goodnight...sleep in peace.

P.S. W.I.P. More to come.

go with the flow

2006-11-25T00:55:00.000-05:00

Someone once said to me, "We only believe what we want to believe." Something I do in life. This, by the way, is a doodle. Something I do in class.

eh?

2006-11-20T02:45:00.000-05:00

Its almost 3 in the morning, and I'm eating cake and thinking what I've done in life so far. I like someone. Or maybe I don't. I hate so many people. Or do I? Life has been stressful over the past week, and maybe I'm overreacting to physical and mental stress. But there are questions that arise. Some need to be addressed. Some should rather be left undisturbed. Some people think I'm immature. Some think I'm good advice. I choose to use maturity selectively. Learnt that from my good friend Nikhil. Maybe someday I will grow up. And regret not being a kid anymore. But wait, don't I do that even now? Maybe I'm just a bit grown up. Damn I'll be 23 in a month. I wish I was 13. That's it. That's all I want to say. For now. As I finish this off, Mr. Bonjovi says, "Everybody needs somebody to love. Everybody needs somebody to hate." I wonder.

...pride

2006-11-13T02:21:00.000-05:00

your eyes
deny
a life that dulls your pride.
your eyes
they hide.
through me you will heal in time.

Notes: Lyrics courtesy - Soil (Pride).

Pages from The Diary: Untitled (Children of the Beast?)

2006-11-05T03:03:00.000-05:00

Running in the cover of the moonlight shining
Keep your doors locked, start to hide
Riding like knights on horses bounding
Across the fields, eyes open wide

Lock yourselves in, don’t answer our call
We’ll seek you out, we’ll find you all

We are the children of the beast…

Dibesh Saha
(2001/2002)

Note: Yes! The Diary is back. Hehe...way back from 2001-2002...my earliest...ahem..."songwriting" days. All hack-n-slash. Reminds me of a certain Metallica song.

Suck My Life Away...

2006-11-05T02:38:00.000-05:00

Lust is how you enticed me and now I’m broken
Trust is what I can’t trust anymore
A life so unordinary I can’t believe
What your faithless love has done to me
I thought I’d seen my perfect world inside you
Blind is what I am now because of you
Life is so unfair I can’t believe
How I find myself down on my knees…

But now I breathe,
I’m breathing life back into me…

Shadows of our memories
They won’t just stay away
I won’t love you tomorrow
You suck my life away
I can’t trust you today, darling
And our love won’t find a way
There’s no hope in tomorrow
‘Cause you suck my life away…

Dibesh Saha
(2003/2004)

Note: Something I wrote way back in 2003/2004 for (my band in India) Swastika. Apparently I was writing songs about break-ups before I had actually gone through one. I guess I was a suicide-child(is that even a word?)! Hehehehe...

Gas Panic!

2006-11-03T00:47:00.000-05:00

Good fuckin tune this. Good fuckin band this. Oasis.

Look who's back!

2006-09-12T01:22:00.000-04:00

Yes. So I finally posted something on blogger. Can't really say I'm in the midst of a lot of things and all...just a bit uninspired and unmotivated. Add to that a pinch...no huge lumps...of laziness and there you go. No activity on blogger. Also explains my belly. Yes I have a belly now. Yay. Dumbfucks. Laugh all you want. But I'm working on it. Actually working out. Why do I kid myself? Okay so I'm not working out...but I do do the treadmill thing every now and then these days (notice the doodoo sound? :P when will I grow up?!)

So anyways, my past few weeks havn't been all that bad. In one whole year in Canada I went to just one Asha Bhosle concert. And in the last 10 days...I've been to 3! Indian Ocean on 2nd sept was absolutely fantastic. Rahul Ram is a Bass-God!!! Then on 3rd September, I went to see Sukhwinder Singh who, despite my respect and admiration, disappointed. Absolutely and totally. His band and the support-singers who opened for him sucked. It wasn't even 100% live music! Plus he was hell-bent on making the local punjabi crowd happy, and sang loads and loads of punjabi songs which I could not make head or tail of. Even Beedi sucked. Man. The only song that I was looking forward to. Sigh.

Yesterday, we went to see Sonu Nigam live in concert. To be honest I hadn't expected him to be this good, live. He had a wicked band and he sang almost flawlessly. Plus the energy he shows on stage is awesome. He is an entertainer. Mark my words. Or don't. Kabhi chance mile to dekhna. He had these two kickass guys with long hair, looking like descendants of Jesus, as his bassist and guitarist. Get this. The lead guiatarist was playing frickin rock/metal solos on the song Bijuriya!!! I was like "Woaaaahhh dude! Now this is worth my while". And to top it off, the uncle on the keyboard was copying/complementing that guy! Awesome stuff! Shit man. For once I wished I could be on the other side. On the stage. Not facing it.

Well, in other breaking news, my University starts tomorrow. Looking forward (or not) to another year of late-night studying, sleeping in class, cheap coffee, second-hand smoke, pizza-pizza, snowstorms(winter's comin), heavy boots, heavier jackets, woollen underwear, and God knows what. And yes, lovely friends who make it worthwhile going to University. Here's to my 3 buddies at UTM - Alicia, Alain and Ali.

Signing off. Peace. And Metal. ,\../

P.S. Please check my 'konnfuzion' blog for updates too. And do leave comments.

I am...

2006-09-12T01:15:00.000-04:00

I get my cup of sorrow, from the money that you spend,
In the name of religion, this freedom is a stain,
Killed my brother and my sister, left me to die alone
Swear on ashes of my father, this heart is cold as stone…

I am the fear in your eyes before you die.
I am the punishment that you will not survive.
I am the beggar on the street that you despise.
I am the man who digs your grave before your time.
I am the crimson blood that pours out of your eyes.
I am eternal truth that will unmask your lies.
I am the Angel of Death who’s come to reap.
I am the child who puts you to eternal sleep.

The nail bomb that you planted, in the back of the school today,
So many futures wasted, decaying with the flesh…
Generation after ge-ne-ration was, is, and will be
Overseers, observers – death of an ever-dying breed…

I am the smile that you will see before you scream.
I am the nightmare that replaces all your dreams.
I am destruction such that you have never seen.
I am the darkest of the places you’ve been in.
I am such future that will rip your past away.
I am the switchblade that will tear your skin away.
I am the death of all the angels you did know.
I am the fear that will feed on you and grow.

I am…
I am what I am…
I am what I made me…
I am what I made me out to be…

Speaking of no tomorrows, I had a dream today
There were no roads that led me out of my yesterdays…
Society just told me what, where, and how to be
When the fires do stop burning, why am I left with (just) me?

I am the fear that I feel before I die
I am the punishment that flows out of my eyes
I am eternal angst that feeds the dancing flames
I am scorn, I am hate, I am the blame
I am creator of the mind that sucks me dry
I am preserver of the pain I choose to hide
I am destroyer of the soul blessed by thee
Oh God forgive me…I am not what you meant to be…

- (2006)

P.S. The beast awakens.

psychkick's back!

2006-08-17T01:19:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately I'm back on Blogger to scramble brains and kick the shit out of people's minds...looooooong holiday in India...and I'm back in one piece...I don't know what's going on up 'there' (as usual), but the rest of me is in good shape. To my 4 b*tches in Ahmedabad (you know who you are :P) - it was awesome meeting up with you all (even through all the flashbacks and the depression)!

I honestly don't know where I'm gonna start from, if I get down to blogging about India...so lets keep it to memories for the moment eh? I'm sure wonderful stories will flow from memory a few months down the line...I will post pics sometime soon though.

Thanks to EVERYONE who took time out to meet me...love y'all!!! Till next time then...

Take care,

Ronny a.ka. psychkick

P.S. Woooooooaaaaaahhhhhh...its been 2 friggin months since my last post!!!

konnfuzion

2006-06-15T11:34:00.000-04:00

konnfuzion

welcome to the sickness

realign

2006-06-14T00:23:00.000-04:00

New Footie Blog!

2006-06-10T01:32:00.000-04:00

Hello all! I decided that posting about Germany 2006 might become too messy on this blog, so I got a new one! Yay! Its called "Footie Sickness" (my spoof on the "Football Fever" cliche!) and its here...check it out!

Cheers

P.S. Joy Baba England. May the force be with you...

My Team(/s)

2006-06-09T11:44:00.000-04:00

I forgot to mention my favourite team(/s) for the World Cup. Yes that is a (/s), even though my primary favourite is England. I AM allowed to have semi-favourites too, you know. :)

So,

My Team : England
Semi-Fave Team (/s): Italy, Argentina (both ex-favourites)
My bet on the Dark Horse will be on: Australia

One last remark: I personally think this will be the Midfielders' World Cup.

16 minutes to go.....YAY!
Ole Ole........

The Cup of Life...

2006-06-09T03:15:00.000-04:00

Well, its just under 9 hours to the start of the greatest footballing event in the world, and before I go to sleep with a smile on my face knowing that I'll wake up to the World Cup, I just wanted to let you know a couple of things. Firstly, all my plans of posting an in-depth World Cup preview sort of a thing went down the drain, because I realized that I'd probably end up giving a one-sided, biased view on the basis of my having seen only a handful of players on a regular basis throughout the year (from the English Premier League). What I thought would be better, and far more interesting was to actually try to step into the shoes of a football journalist-cum-critic and review the matches and the teams instead. I don't know whether I'll be able to follow up on a day-to-day/match-by-match basis, but I'll try my best. Galtiyaan maaf kar dena, bhaiyyo aur behno...

Till my next post, take care, goodbye......and enjoy the greatest party of 2006!!!

GO ENGLAND GO!!!!

...blood-red skies

2006-05-30T01:43:00.000-04:00

"You won't break me
You won't make me
You won't take me,
Under blood red skies

You won't break me
You won't take me
I'll fight you under
Blood red skies"

Blood Red Skies
(Judas Priest)

A 15 minute spiel on the purpose of life

2006-05-30T01:12:00.000-04:00

No one knows what the true purpose of life is. We are born, we age, and we die- from the cradle to the grave, in a matter of years. But why do we age, why do we do the things we do, why do make the decisions we make, why do we live the life we live? Is there a reason behind our actions, apart from our own spontaneous decisions? Is there truly something called destiny? If so, then are we masters of our own destiny? Is there a God? Does He determine what we do or will do in our life? When we love, is that pre-decided? When we kill, is that pre-decided? Of course then, our death is pre-determined too. If we had lived our lives differently, chosen a small job over higher education, chosen a salad over a burger, a diet coke over a normal one; would've our lives been better? Would've we been happier? If we don’t know the answers, then why do we worry about consequences? We will never know the answers.

So what is the purpose of life? Are we part of “The Plan”? Perhaps everybody has a purpose without knowing it. Perhaps humans are born workers and not leaders, working in their own ways to uphold peace in the world or waiting to seize every opportunity to destroy it. But I know what I want to do in life. I want to be a good person, an honest citizen. I want to be rich enough to feed and support my family, and poor enough to make them realize that money doesn’t grow on trees. That is the purpose of my life. I don’t know whether God agrees with that or not.

Note: I wrote this as part of an exercise for my Writing course last semester (In which I got 82! Yoohoo!!!)

Sad But True

2006-05-27T02:20:00.000-04:00

A 'gentle' reminder to my friends as to why we should cover this song...

To all Indians who hate Air India...

2006-05-27T01:34:00.000-04:00

On a different but related note, I have this to say about Air India and especially the Indians who fly Air India. Now most of you would go 'phaaahh', 'eughhh', and so on at the mere mention of the name "Air India". I've also had first hand experience of people cursing their 'bad luck' at having to fly Air-India. Also, a LOT of second hand experience (from stories narrated by Dad) of how people tend to behave when flying their National Carrier.

It really is a shame. I'm not saying this because my Dad works for that company. I'm saying this because it IS a shame. You'll see people screaming at the top of their voices at the staff sitting at the counters, if the flight is delayed or postponed. (Do things happen smoothly at YOUR workplace ALL THE TIME?) You'll hear of people writing letters to Station Managers, you'll hear an aunty narrating stories at a high-society party of how tight the seatbelt was, how insufficient the leg-space was, or how salty the food was, and how shabby the staff were. You'll hear people telling their friends how 'foreign' airlines are way better.

People are always complaining how BAD Air India is. Next time do everyone a favour and spend a few extra bucks to fly another airline eh? No? Aaaahh....see that is the problem. You want to fly at the cheapest rates, still you complain....I should not be one to judge...but oh you poor bast*rds. You'd run out of stories to tell your friends na?

People actually used to steal the silver cutlery that was given in each and every Class, a few years back. Now of course they've stopped using silver cutlery in the Economy Class. SHAME on YOU. My Dad often narrates stories of that Economy Class hero who wants to be upgraded to First Class. For no reason at all, of course. That same person would in most likelihood cook up some amazing story of the torrid time he had with Air India, and narrate it among his friends, who would shake their heads at the state of the airline. Yet after a few months, you'll probably see at least one among that group flying with...you guessed it...Air India. Money talks, my friends.

So next time, keep your stories to yourself. And since I've travelled on other airlines as well, I can tell you that the warmth that you get (there are of course a few exceptions even I have encountered, no doubt) on your National Airline is not there anywhere else. Oh by the way, people who scream at an Indian at the Air India counter, will probably "Sir" a gora at the British Airways counter. I ask why? Absolutely baffling....!

Next time you see a screaming man at the Airport, know that it's an Indian travelling on Air India. Appreciate what you have, people. And stop cribbing. Someone once said "It's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you." Very true. Very true indeed.

P.S. The views expressed by me in the above post are, well, entirely mine and I really hope that at least one of these haters reads it and leaves a comment.

Travel Plans....and why I don't make any

2006-05-27T00:09:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone. Hope each and every one of you (who read my blog; and that would be 4, maybe 5 people) is doing just great! I certainly am. Have just been really really busy...umm sorry...lazy(the two words rhyme, ironically). Excuse my poor sense of humour (still with a 'u'; not turned Canadian yet) which is getting poorer by the day. I know I'm going to annoy a LOT of people when I visit home. Which by the way is probably going to happen sometime in July. Hopefully. I never tell anyone that I'm coming on so-and-so date, especially when its a question of going to another city. I tell them that I have arrived, when I ARRIVE. Want to know why? My family has a history of last minute travel problems, cancellations, etc. etc. etc. Here's how one story goes...

My dad works in the airline industry. With Air India. So we get FREE TICKETS....Yipppeee!!! Limited of course, but free all the same. To anywhere that Air-India flies, we can fly! Hehe. But...there's a catch. Our seats are always "Subject To Availability". 1 phrase that decides our holiday fate. Sigh. If the flight is full, we can't fly. Period. You got it right?

So what happened once was, Mom and I were flying from Kolkata to Ahmedabad to visit Dad. He had been posted there a few months back- a permanent posting, but he'd decided to brave it all alone because I was in Grade Xth and my Brother was preparing for the dreaded CAT. And since we weren't a joint family or anything, Mom had to stay back with us. So that was going to be my first visit to Ahmedabad; a city which would later become my home for 5 years.

Anyways, so we reached the Airport on time, checked in our baggage and all, and waited for the plane to board. Now since the flight was tight (I'm a born poet; see how everything rhymes!), we were asked to wait until all the passengers had arrived and the check-in counters were closed. Luckily there were 2-3 seats left when the counters were finally closed, so we got on board. The air-hostesses brought candy and juice like they always do. And I enjoyed my share like I always do. C'mon I was just 17!

Well for some reason, the flight wouldn't take off. 15 minutes past the take-off time, a flight pursor came upto us and told my Mom that they would not be able to accomodate us on that flight! Why? Some hot-shot people from the Aviation Ministry or the Board or something had arrived at the last possible minute, so....

Aaaahh.....who cares? Like I say to this day..."Main juice peene aeroplane chhadaa tha..." LOL. ROTFL. LMAO. Laugh as much as you want. But I wonder if anyone has had to suffer the embarrassment of being escorted OUT of a plane. Sigh. And there in a short but not-so-sweet story is one of the reasons why I don't like to tell people that I'm coming. Oh come on people, grow up!

P.S. The airline however wasn't Air India. I think it was Jet....

Headbangers' Ball!!!

2006-05-16T20:21:00.000-04:00

Swastika at Tradin' Licks [December 2004, Ahmedabad]

I Wonder...

2006-05-04T21:05:00.000-04:00

Yes. I really do. Why we fight. Is it a case of natural instinct which betrays our pretentious masks to reveal cleverly disguised hate? Or is it a case of incitement on the part of the state? I really have grown tired of arguments. Who did it? Was it the Hindus who started it? Was it the Muslims who pelted first? Hindus? Muslims? Hindus. Muslims. Who was it again? Did we hear you say a name? The questions unfortunately remain unanswered, but the truth is that after 4 years, history is threatening to repeat itself.

After the past few days' events I repeatedly ask myself one question which I'm sure almost every sane person must have already thought about: What kind of an a** of a government does it take to order the demolition of religious monuments (which are "encroachments on the road and hamper traffic"- what about the cows?) in a state which was marred by violence and mass riots just 4 years ago? Did they think everyone had forgotten 2002?

I don't know exactly who it was, but someone from the Supreme court was on TV today, talking about the demolition issue. He made an interesting point: It is wrong to say that a 200 year-old monument is encroaching upon the road. If it is 200 years old, and if at all there is an issue of encroachment, clearly the road is encroaching upon the monument's space!

As you might already know, the Supreme Court has stayed the Gujarat High Court order. Seems like TOI (Ahmedabad) might be in a soup as well. Read here (the middle of the article). Of course, the Times website mentions nothing about any notice being given to them by the SC. But anyways, I don't know who to trust and who not to. The media are definitely to blame too. This is what a very well known reporter on a very well known news channel asked the brother of the man who was burnt alive: "Aapko kya lagta hai...iske liye kaun zimmedaar hai?" I was like "What the f***?" How, and why, do you even ask a question like that?

Justice is a joke anyways, and absolute peace will never be restored. I know its a cliche, but some scars are too deep to heal. A compromised peace is what we can hope for at the most. It's upto the people. But then I ask myself, do we, the people, really want this?(like a well known news channel put it: we are "Divided by religion; United in grief") Who wants this? Do you want to die on the streets? Either we, the people, are barbarians, or its the state. Conspiracy theories are here to stay, but someone is to blame for sure. Don't pretend that everything is a misunderstanding. And do not blame the religion, for God's sake. Quite literally.

I don't want to blame anyone in particular in absence of concrete evidence(and I wonder whether there will be any). It is a bit eerie however, that the Police Control Room allegedly failed to respond to the situation in time. Reminds me of...
Well come now, how does it matter anyways? Its just one man who was burnt alive. And some others who were stabbed, etc. Lets put our masks and smiling faces back on, and pretend everything is alright. After a few years when they call up the Control Room again, we'll just tell them to go to Pakistan. Like we've always done.

United We Failed.
Divided We Stand.

R.I.P.

Mournin' hore...

2006-04-22T17:40:00.000-04:00

I seriously cannot believe this guy is a real person. Seems like one of those WWE wrestlers who act and speak according to their "Bad Guy" image. Read what he had to say after Liverpool beat Chelsea 2-1 in the FA Cup semi-final:

"Did the best team win today? I don't think so. In the last 30 minutes we deserved extra time."
(Oi dumbass, the game is 90 minutes long. Therefore, Liverpool played better for the most part.)

"In the first half nobody was better. They had a good start to the second half but then we dominated the game. I cannot wish them luck in the final. Middlesbrough and West Ham will be there and I must respect them."
(Rafa: Hmmm...he will not wish me luck. Hmmm.....for me, that is finally something to laugh about. Hahahaha...)

"But in 10 matches against us they have won twice. In the Premiership the distance between the teams is 45 points over two seasons. We beat them in a final, they beat us in two semi-finals. A psychological advantage? I don't think so."
(Psychological advantage? What advantage? Is he talking about next season already??? And hey, whats the difference in points, prestige, fame, fan support, etc., etc., etc. over, say, the last 10-15 years?!?)

I only have this to say: Chelski - Worst Winners and Worst Losers. Pathetic. Bring on next season!

...phew!

2006-04-12T04:48:00.000-04:00

Yep. That's what I feel like saying over and over again. Since 6 pm yesterday, when term officially ended for me. 2nd term that is. Started way back on 3rd January I think. Exams are still round the corner though. Just cooling off for a couple of days before the final push. God! Feels like I'm delivering a baby every term or something....Final Push!?!

And yes, I'm doing Summer School, but hopefully will finish by end-June. In fact, have to go online in around 3 hours to choose courses. That's why I'm up this late. Yeah. I'm scared that I won't be able to get up in time. LOL!

Last Sunday night was one crazy night. I am the most pathetic person in the whole world. I was already running 2 days late on a big 1500 word essay, still I put that one off for the last minute (last night to be more precise), and then had to pull an all-nighter. My brother helped me a lot (what's the use of having a brother in Marketing if you don't pester him into helping with assignments?? :P).

I almost, almost fell asleep. But I willed myself on, kept telling myself "I want to hand it in tomorrow". I did half of it and then almost dozed off. Not almost, I actually did. For about 5-10 minutes. You know sometimes you have these stupid dreams, where you fall off the stairs or something and you are suddenly jolted awake. Same thing happened, don't remember what the dream was. But my heart was beating really fast, so it must have been a terrifying one. Well whatever, I have a fragile head anyways. Keeps playing games with me sometimes. I have epilepsy.

Conversation between Me and Me:
"Damn you! You bitch....why do you always keep everything for the last minute?...Because I like living on the edge, you know...the fast lane....yeah that's being a smartass now eh? Haha....damn you...damn me. Ok...let's see now....we need coffee....strong...Has dada gone to sleep...oh no...good...then the stupid microwave's 'peeek peeek' won't be a problem...aahh now let's see...4 sugar cubes...No 3....I have to reduce my sugar intake....one big spoonful of coffee...and here we go.....oh shit I need to shit....dude you gotta have some schedule in life...kya yaar shit ka bhi schedule chahiye kya....(*shit*)...achchha now done...where's the coffee...oh beside the comp...its still hot...yay.....achchha so where were we?....Kotler? STP?....did we get to that already...we're more than halfway through...let's see who's online....dumbfuck...stupid fuck....Kotler is not halfway and we have 4 more pages to go....but MSN?....NO.....I can't understand why we have to write about advertising and marketing in Visual Culture anyways.....I'm not gonna get this done by 11...no way...I have like 8 hours....oh 8 hours...maybe I will then...wait i still have to do the Bibliographies....and the images...damn...hmmm.....shit I gotta do better than a 60 this time...an 80 minimum...no wait you have 6 marks off anyways....Damn you! You bitch....why do you always keep everything for the last minute?...."

I finished at 9 am. Re-read and revised it. Attached images (of a Coke marketing campaign), did the bibliography and printed it off. Remembered that I had to do a final revision of one of my writing pieces (remember 'Green Vase') for my Writing Class. Yep it was submission day for that course too. Hope I do well. So far, my Prof. has suggested that I'm about B/B+ material as far as 3 of my pieces are concerned. Man! And I thought I was good at writing and stuff. Life does shock you sometimes. Must admit.

So here I am...once again. With no idea whatsoever about what i want to do in life.

P.S. Forgot to mention that my brother's here on a 2 week visit. :)

Personal DNA!

2006-04-09T20:43:00.000-04:00

Hold the mouse over different colours and read the trait that pops up!
"Very high feminity" - WHAT THE F***?!?

The Beautiful Game...

2006-03-29T02:21:00.000-05:00

72 days left!

Concept: Dibesh Saha
All individual images are the property of their respective owners.

Crossposted at welcome to the ball game.

Bane

2006-03-26T13:13:00.000-05:00

Sleeping with my demons,
I won’t rest until you’re dead
Bane is my religion,
And evil’s what I spread…

I can’t think straight for a second,
Now my eyes are turning red,
My aim is your conclusion,
I am what’s in your head.

Smiling to myself at night
Neither sleeping nor awake,
Rape your own reflection,
Love the demons in your head.

I’m burning up in ashes
Every time I close my eyes,
My mind’s a cemetery…
It buries me long before I die.

Angry with myself is
Not the way I want to be
Stumbling down the pathway,
Only darkness can I see.

My past has turned its back on me,
My future walks away.
Standing at the crossroads,
I’ve lost belief in faith.

This taste’s that’s in my mouth
Gets so familiar nowadays,
Living on illusions
I wait for empty death.

The voices in my head
Are the only ones I heed,
Pain is satisfaction
And pain is what I need.

This poison’s running through my veins,
These hooks they break my skin
Building walls around me,
And running from my sins.

Resting with my demons,
I can’t sleep until I’m dead.
My bane is still inside me,
I am what’s in my head…

Rights reserved.

Note: Final Version. Boys...get ready for July. Fingers crossed.

Burning the midnight oil...

2006-03-23T23:21:00.000-05:00

Film Assignment - Genre Analysis of the Hollywood Western...Yee-Haw!

Coffee, Mouse, Keyboard, Monitor : My friends of misery...

Breaking it down...

Semiotics and Shit...(note that there was a Levi Strauss who din't make jeans)

Well at least I got an 89. Minus 6 marks for lateness. 83. What the hell....don't you judge me!

The Keys

2006-03-23T04:31:00.000-05:00

The food was good. The food was always good. It was about a 15 minute walk from home; the name of the place was Hong Kong. Not the city but just another small restaurant located on a busy street in the middle of a bustling Calcutta. And what drew us there time and again was the special style of Chinese cooking which can be found only in India.

By the time we finished, it was around 10.30 pm. We decided to walk back instead of hiring a cab. It was a pleasant summer evening. My brother walked a few paces ahead of us. He’d had a small argument with Dad over dinner.

Halfway back, Mom asked Dad if he had the house-keys. He shook his head; he remembered my brother leaving the house last. I called out to the newest ‘suspect’. My brother replied in the negative too.

Now we started getting worried. We hurried back to the restaurant. They’d closed down for the night and we waited for at least ten minutes, before someone finally answered. We explained the situation. Surely it had fallen under the table or something. However, the staff couldn’t find it. What?! My brother went in to search under the tables. No luck.

Now it was past 11 pm. The only other spare key was inside the house itself. Locksmiths wouldn’t be available before next morning. The ever worsening reality of the situation began to dawn upon us.

My Mom asked my brother whether he was sure about not having the keys. All he could manage was a sarcastic comment. After all, if he’d had the keys in the first place…..

Mom suggested staying at a relative’s place for the night. Dad wouldn’t have any of it; he was still mad as ever. Nobody pushed the issue. There was only one option left: to break down the door.

My brother and I walked fast. We went to get help. As I walked, following the obscure shadows on the ground cast by the dim street lamps, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of excitement creeping in. To a fourteen year old, it seemed like a challenge. An adventure. A quest!

By the time we got back with reinforcements – a couple of family friends who stayed in the same neighborhood – Mom and Dad were standing outside the main gate. This gate, which led into the driveway and which was our main entrance to the second floor of a two storied house which we owned, was a big metal gate with a thick padlock on it. The toolbox popped open and out came the hammer.

After ample doses of hammering, a couple of stares from passers-by and endless questions from inquisitive neighbors, the lock’s stubborn resistance came to a sudden halt. Now only the upstairs door stood between us and certain victory – a well deserved rest and a good night’s sleep.

By now pretty much everyone was tired of the hammer and prepared their shoulders for one colossal assault. Timber…! It worked. The door gave way with two thrusts and we were in.

We sat down. Mom made tea and we discussed the ordeal in detail. Every time we recounted the events of the night, previously skipped details seemed to come to fore. After half an hour or so, we decided it was high time to go to bed. Some people went home. Others were relieved just to be home.

My brother went to change into his night clothes. As he went to hang his jeans, something fell from the pocket onto the floor. With a clank!

Note: Assignment - a piece based on a family experience. Oh what fun it is to write....
P.S. This is my 50th post! YAY!

...so shall he reap

2006-03-21T17:37:00.000-05:00

Note: Inverted colours.

Mom Dad

2006-03-16T05:14:00.000-05:00

She’s been in bad shape for the last couple of weeks now. It’s her left leg. It might be a varicose vein or something. He’s taking her to the doctor’s today. He asks me whether I could take her instead. He’s been working all night and has come home at 6 that morning. You can clearly make out that he needs sleep.

I am caught unawares by his question and mumble a sort of positive response. I ask her if it’s ok that he’s not coming to the doctor’s. She doesn’t say anything but stares at him. Then she sighs and turns her face away. She’s in pain, and you don’t know what that sigh was for. But he knows. He starts to say something, but she interrupts, “You always have a problem taking me anywhere…”

The inevitable argument ensues, and I have to step in as peacemaker. After that come those few minutes of silence, when no one speaks; everyone stares aimlessly at the TV set.

As I go around doing my morning chores, he cracks a couple of jokes. He’s feeling bad. He wants to see her smiling again. I pitch in with some goofy comments, and finally she gives up trying to be angry. He says to me, “Only you guys can make her laugh; it’s beyond my abilities…” We all have a good laugh.

He takes her to the doctor’s as planned. He never really expected me to take her on my own.

*******

He sits in the living room while she makes parathas; it’s traditional Northern Indian bread. “Please come and get these. You won’t like them if they go cold”, she hollers from behind the electric stove.

He replies from the living room that we’ll all eat together. The TV is loud, so he has to shout over the noise. He asks her to tell us when everything’s ready. “These are supposed to be served hot”, she insists. “No, we can wait. You always end up eating alone, after we finish”, he insists back. “Go and help her; get the plates and glasses ready”, he tells me.

She pleads with him again. This time he raises his voice. This time it’s not the TV. “I told you…” he begins. “Ok alright, alright…” she cuts in. Unspoken words form an essential part of the agreement.

By the time we are having food, everyone’s forgotten about it. It’s routine. The TV is loud as ever. He reaches for the remote and switches channels. I shake my head and point out how absurd soap-operas have gotten these days. She asks him if he needs anything else…

*******

“You never have time to talk to me when you’re home. Can’t you turn off the TV for even a few minutes?” she complains. The phone rings. “Or else it’s that! I tell you, you should have married Air India. Then everyone would have been happy.”

The phone call takes ages. The next arriving flight has been delayed. That means more work. Frustrated, she finally loses patience. “I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”

After about half an hour, he’s finally done. She pretends to wake up from deep sleep as he enters the bedroom. She complains a bit, and then asks what happened with the delayed flight. He explains, but in short. She wants details.

“Not at this time of the night; I’ll tell you tomorrow”, he says in a tired voice. “You never let me in on anything…and don’t you touch that CD player now!”

The walls are really thin. I can hear their banter from my room. Just like two kids in grown-ups’ bodies. You’d never know the difference. I smile as I tuck myself in.

Note: This assignment was "Write a piece about the relationships between Men and Women". I could have picked something/someone else, but the truth is I really, really, only wanted to write about my folks. So here's to you Mum and Dad!!!

Bane - Concept Art

2006-03-14T04:21:00.000-05:00

I made this collage with a view to it being the cover art for "Bane". Read lyrics (below, archived) and try to relate to the picture. I'm proud of myself. What do you people think?

(P.S. Can you spot me in the mess???)

Note: Concept - Dibesh Saha
Individual images are the property of their respective owners.

Friday...Part 2

2006-03-13T04:28:00.000-05:00

I almost thought Part 2 wasn't gonna happen. But I just had to come back to write about this. It's something which I witnessed on the way back from University (still last Friday, March 3rd). But let me begin in my usual storytelling way.

I finished with the second exam at around 4. I got my things, threw my jacket on and left feeling half dejected and half relieved. I saw Alain standing near the cafeteria talking to someone on the cellphone. Turned out that Ali, who was supposed to give him a ride back home, had completely forgotten about that and left. Alain was pissed. Really pissed. Looking around for Ali and calling him had made him lose precious minutes, and the UTM Shuttle Bus going downtown had left too. He didn't say much, but his expression said it all. His next bus was in half an hour, and since mine was around the same time, I offered to give him company. Well, actually I was quite fortunate to have his company. Otherwise it would have been the usual- me and my discman, out in the cold (I don't like sitting alone in crowded indoor places; I'm weird ain't I?).

Well anyways we talked about the test, Sergio Leone and "The Man with No Name", $ 9 DVDs at the Rogers store in which he worked, taking driving lessons, and the awful bitch that the weather was that day. I think it was around -10 or -13 that day, and I was freezing with 3 layers+Jacket on!!! My bus came before his, so I left in a hurry.

Once on the bus, it was me and my music. I had some old Metallica/Megadeth in my discman. I scanned the disc, and finally settled on Metallica's 1991 "Black Album"....aah good days were back again. As Ulrich started beating the hell out of the drums on "Sad But True", I sat back to enjoy the 20 minute ride back home.

I have this habit of leaning against the window, head resting against it, staring blankly outside. I might look dead, but I am not. I'm constantly visualizing, taking in images at random, from the past and the immediate present; making a sort of instant, mental "Video" of the song I'm listening to. Always putting images into the context of the song playing; I think I could be a good Music Video director if I got the chance...

Getting to the incident, I don't mean to be over-dramatic. But what I'll state below is exactly what happened. Not something significant, you might argue; but you are entitled to your opinion as I'm entitled to mine.

We were about halfway home, when the bus suddenly started to slow down. At first I didn't notice. I thought it was just another light. But it didn't come to a complete halt; instead continued to move slowly forward. Then I focused on the road outside. Lying on the sidewalk, face down, with his arms and legs sprawled about was a middle-aged man (or so it looked from the distance). A woman was trying to revive him, while another man was talking on a cellphone (probabaly 911). This was all happening beside a parked car.

Now, either of 2 things might have happened. The man may have had some kind of seizure while in the car. Or he might have been hit by the car, and collapsed. There was no sign of blood anywhere, but I couldn't tell for sure that it wasn't an accident.

The bus slowly made its way around the vehicle, and continued on its way. As I looked back, the woman was still trying to revive the man, and the other man was still on the phone. I think I caught about 10-15 seconds overall. As the bus moved away, I turned my face, closed my eyes, and hoped that all would be well, whoever he was. My hand hit my discman-remote and the song stopped abruptly...

Then it hit me. I wondered what it would be like if life stopped just as abruptly as the song I'd been listening to. I wondered whether life had stopped abruptly for that man lying on the sidewalk. I wondered what would happen if it happened to me. I wondered. The bus moved under an overhead bridge, and we were plunged into darkness for a couple of seconds. But soon there was light. I wondered, what if one day there was no light on the other side? All there was left was darkness?

As I pressed play, "Unforgiven" resumed and the exact words were

"What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been"

I wondered. What if I never saw what might have been...

Seven Deadly Sins...

2006-03-13T03:54:00.000-05:00

"Oh these deadly sins of mine..."

Seven - Megadeth

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Low
Lust:	Medium
Pride:	Medium

Discover Your Sins - Fun Quiz

The Cup of Life...

2006-03-11T17:21:00.000-05:00

...especially if you happen to be in a 2 hour lecture, with half the lights turned off! :)

Nanduzki

2006-03-09T22:18:00.000-05:00

I sit at my desk and look at the computer screen to check if she’s online. She is. As the voice messenger connects, I look for my ‘questions list’. She answers with a cheerful “Hello!” We exchange friendly banter before she asks, “I hope this is not going to be too personal…?” “Don’t worry”, I reply. “So, Nandita Jain…let’s start.”

Nandita talks about her childhood, being an academic prodigy, and how she decided to become an animator over a spacewoman. She remembers literally throwing all other options out of the window (read ‘throwing application forms out of a car window when no one was looking’), after she decided to apply for the National Institute of Design (NID).

“The best thing about NID is how it opens you up; you get exposure of all kinds. You lose your inhibitions, you know what I mean?” However, she also accepts the fact that being in NID has made her somewhat selfish. “I tend to think first about my work, and then about everything else. My folks are the people I’ve been most unfair with I guess…” At this point, the voice messenger hits a technical snag, and we reschedule for the next day.

*******

Nandita messages me on MSN and apologizes for being late. Her chat name reads ‘Nanduzki’. It’s two in the morning, so we do the interview via typing. I ask her about family, and more specifically her parents. She seems to open up more; perhaps it’s the ‘magic of the written word’.

“Basically they’ve been the best always, open to a lot of things which most parents wouldn’t agree to…like having a boyfriend in school. Then the time I shaved my head.” She pauses, and then adds, “I wonder sometimes what it must be like for a parent to have a kid like me. I mean the amount of patience and strength each of them have is wonderful.”

“Nowadays, we have a lot of ideology clashes; their view of the world is quite different from mine. Maybe they don’t agree with most of my decisions, but I do think they trust me. I always go by my gut instincts. I want to live life through my own experiences, you know what I mean? I have my own mistakes to make…”

“Have you ever let them down; like a major let down?” I ask. “Yup, when my Mum found out I was smoking, she was very upset. I got a major thing about ‘Where did we go wrong?’ and ‘Is this what we get in return?’

When I ask her how she felt about, she replies, “Oh, I felt sick to the core. I felt like I had betrayed them.”

When I ask her about the future, she says that she doesn’t want to make empty promises. “My parents want me to come and stay with them; and right now I have no idea where life is going to take me…but I do want to be with my folks, and take care of them when they’re old. That’s about it.”

“So basically you’re looking for a kind of compromise; a balance?” I ask her. “Ma keeps telling me that I’m no island; I shouldn’t shut everything else out and think only about work. But I believe this is the best time I can actually concentrate on building a foundation for the future, you know…”

“It’s not that I don’t talk to them, or that I don’t care. Well I guess it happens sometimes, but I don’t take them for granted. Their happiness lies in mine, and vice versa. So somewhere both parties have to reach a compromise, without hurting each other. Thank God my folks are cool with a lot of things I do…” she concludes.

At this point I’m quite satisfied with my subject, and extremely sleepy. “Any more questions?” she asks. “Yes, what’s with the name? Nanduzki?” I ask in return. “Oh, ha-ha…I like the Russian dancer, you know, Nijinski? I’m his namesake…Nanduzki! Ha-ha.”

“Ok, one last question. If you had to describe this interview in one word, what would it be?” “Hmmm. Introspective. Yeah, I’d say very introspective.”

“Fair enough”, I say to myself, as we exchange goodbyes and I sign out.

Note: This time the assignment was "a piece based on an interview". I hope I did justice to what you said, Ms. Nanduzki Vodkadrinkova!

Friday...Part 1

2006-03-06T04:21:00.000-05:00

Hmmm......last Friday. Not good. Not bad either. But mostly not good. I can't seem to shake off the 2-exams-in-1 day curse. 2 months back I was struggling with 2 finals on the same day....twice!! These people sure can be ruthless. Under University of Toronto regulations, a student can expect upto 3 exams on the same day. Upto 2 exams can be back to back, without a break. I'll shit myself if that happens this term.

Well back to Friday and everything leading up to it. First of all, I spent all of Reading Week (week before last) lazing around, downloading and watching movies, mostly catching up on 90s classics. I think I outdid myself even lol - 7 days = 12 movies. Though I had a good time, I neglected and grossly underestimated my Film Studies assignment. By the time I was done with that, it was wednesday last week, with 2 days to go before the double mid-term thing. Damn.

Somehow I managed to will myself on, trying hard not to give in to the "callin-in-sick" temptaton. By the way, I have come to the conclusion that my attention span is directly related to the time left before any exam. You get the picture?

I pulled an all-nighter, or rather tried to. And zzzzzz.....fell asleep around 5.30 am. Woke up at 6, set alarm to 6.30. Alarm. Snooze. Snooze. Shut the fuck up you stupid thing. Snooze. 7.30. What the fuck, I'm gonna screw the test up anyways, go to sleep. 8.30. What the hell is that buzzing....damn, its 8.30. 2 hrs left. Its the same almost everyday, with a little less panic. Also my relationship with the alarm is not a very pleasant one, as you can see.

I dragged myself to University for the first test. Didn't go as bad as I thought it would. I had 2 hrs before the next exam. No respite however. Alain, Ali and I found an empty classroom and got down to studying for VCC201H5S.....Stupid Visual Culture! I still can't believe how far I've come from Accountancy and Economics to Communications, Film and the like, in 1 year. Shit man. That's quite an achievement....!

Well anyways, VCC didn't go well, which was expected. Just hope to pass by a fair margin. Problem is, I was aiming at Visual Culture to be my Specialist Program. This introductory course has certainly been a disappointment. In other words, I'm back to the drawing board. As Eric Cartman would say...."Goddamit!!!"

(to be continued)

Dream On!

2006-03-02T12:32:00.000-05:00

Every time that I look in the mirror
All these lines in my face gettin' clearer
The past is gone;
It went by like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way?
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay

I know nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes
I know it's everybody's sin;
You got to lose to know how to win.

Half my life's in books' written pages,
Live and learn from fools and from sages
You know it's true,
All the things
Come back to you.

Sing with me,
Sing for the year,
Sing for the laughter and sing for the tear.
Sing it with me
If it's just for today,
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away.

Dream on, dream on, dream on,
Dream yourself a dream come true.
Dream on, dream on, dream on,
Dream until your dreams come true.
Dream on, Dream on, Dream on, Dream on,
Dream on, Dream on, Dream on......

Aerosmith - "Dream On"

Note: Inspiring. (Listen to the Aerosmith + Symphony version)

Bane - Lyrics Sample

2006-02-24T01:29:00.000-05:00

Sleeping with my demons,
I won’t rest until you’re dead
Bane is my religion,
And evil’s what I spread…

I can’t think straight for a second,
Now my eyes are turning red,
My aim is your conclusion,
I am what’s in your head

Smiling to myself at night
Neither sleeping nor awake,
Rape your own reflection,
Love the demons in your head.

I’m burning up in ashes
Every time I close my eyes,
My mind’s a cemetery…
It buries me long before I die.
(I love these two lines!)

This taste’s that’s in my mouth
Gets so familiar nowadays,
Living on illusions...
I’ve lost belief in faith.

Angry with myself is
Not the way I want to be
Stumbling down the pathway,
Only darkness can I see.

Note: Work-in-progress. I don't mean to brag, but this one has the potential to be a really good one. The song I mean. With the music. I'm taking it slow with this one. Exploring. Discovering. Certainly a topper on my self-expression list. Don't worry though, I'm fine. No e-mails please asking about my health and shit. Hope to see everyone in the summer. Hopefully...

Music will be the death of you....

2006-02-20T02:58:00.000-05:00

“Welcome to the jungle baby!” Those were the words which Michael said to Ron just before they got on stage. The big stage; a chance to get a foot in the door. Their manager, Brian, was sure they’d nail it. The important thing was that they believed in themselves. They weren’t just any band playing “run of the mill” music.

Life in this kind of business was tough. They had clung on by the skin of their teeth for over a year. Now they had waded out of troubled waters onto uncharted territory. Kind of like “getting out of the frying pan and into the fire”, but not quite. They were starting to take one thing at a time and live for the moment.

“Remember, only fools rush in”, Ron’s father had told him about his decision to drop out of school and join a band. “I have a gut feeling about this dad. I know I can make it. College is a lost cause anyway.” His dad had just shaken his head and said, “Your music will be the death of you….”
But it was more than he had bargained for, to say the least. They’d almost thrown in the towel. Record companies could be a real pain in the neck. Brian had stood by them through the ups and downs, hard as a rock. Now he’d got them their big break. It was time for some action.

Even though they were almost totally blinded by the bright stage lights, Ron could distinctly feel hundreds of eyes watching them. This was the moment he’d been waiting for all his life. However, they weren’t really greeted by a warm round of applause. The delay in setting up their instruments didn’t make things any better. On the contrary, to rub salt into their wounds, the crowd started booing and passing nasty comments.

Finally the wait was over. They were ready to begin, ready to embark on a wonderful journey which they knew would take them places. As the others launched into the song, Ron felt the confidence and energy surging through his veins. The time had come. This was it. The reckoning day. The moment of truth. Words at the tip of his tongue, Ron reached out to grab the microphone.

He was buried the next day. A technical snag had caused a short-circuit in the wiring of Ron’s microphone. He was electrocuted on the spot; no chance of survival. They say only the good die young. Ronald Evans. He had a heart of gold. Music was the death of him.

Note: This was an exercise we had in my Writing course which required the use of as many cliches as possible in writing an entirely fictional story. Could've been better I guess, but word limits can be a real pain in the ass. There you go again. Cliche! Hope you enjoyed the nonsense!

South Indian Metal God

2006-02-17T00:13:00.000-05:00

“I don’t wanna go.” Nikhil. “What??? Why don’t you wanna go?” We, in unison. “No. I mean I don’t feel like it.” Nikhil. “C’mon, don’t be a spoilsport, let’s go.” Me. And everyone else, in turn. September 2004. We were in Mumbai, participating in a “Battle of the Bands”. Just a few hours back we’d lost out to technically sound and better prepared bands. And so our friend was pissed.

Half an hour passed before his next outburst. Walking with his eyes fixed on the ground, he kept muttering stuff. Finally, after ample helpings of “Who needs friends like you…” and “…take me for granted”, endless swearing and a twenty minute walk to a pub, Nikhil decided he had had enough. He started marching back. Anurag, his elder brother, who had accompanied us on the trip, yelled at him as he walked away. Ten minutes later he was back. “I need directions.” We laughed really hard. That was the first and last I saw of his near-psychotic behavior, ever. As we sat in that pub, eight of us at a table for four, Nikhil joined us in our bid to out-sing Axl Rose on “Sweet Child of Mine”. He didn’t drink. He only started to a few months later...

Nikhil kept staring at the girls as I bombarded him with questions; about the music he liked, bands, musicians, etc. At times he took a “break” and patiently answered all my questions. After six months in a school I’d already started to hate, I’d finally found one person who shared the same passion as I. Music. He was a walking-talking “Rock-‘n’-Roll” dictionary. That was Annual Sports Day at school.

We hung out a lot during our school years. He would play the guitar and I would sing. After school Nikhil moved to a University, a good four hours’ drive away. Naturally all plans of forming a band went down the drain. I hated him for that back then. But he made me see a side to him which I hadn’t seen before; someone driven by priorities.

After his Mom took a job in another city, he would stay at my place whenever he came to town. His brother thought my parents were as good as his in-laws. My Mom loved him because he wasn’t fussy about food and was always tidy. We would stay up late to watch TV, listen to our favorite bands, or just discuss “life” in general and in depth. He is the only person I know who can fall asleep in ten seconds flat, if he wants to. He considers himself lucky.

When our band needed a second guitarist, he reluctantly stepped forward. But he was taking an active stance in everything very soon. He rarely practiced. Yet he led the way when it came to ultimate output. Some people called him a “Metal God”. He said he was a rebel. Unfortunately, to prove it, he once decided to wear onstage an outfit that seemed straight out of a 40’s Hollywood movie.

Nikhil always says “In life you must prioritize.” He used to skip trips back to town, often for months at a time, to keep up with readings and prepare for exams. He never exuded maturity. He chose to use it selectively. He was good at advice but he never imposed a decision on me.
Nikhil Rao used to call me “Munna” (“kid” in Hindi). He has a great sense of humor. Everyone said he got it from his Mom. When Nikhil was very young, his Dad passed away. He never spoke about it much. I never heard him complain about a difficult childhood. He was happy with whatever he had.

When I decided overnight to come to Canada, he was shocked, and bombarded me with all kinds of questions to find a justifiable reason. He couldn’t make it to town to see me off when I finally left. He had exams. He still writes long, weird and absurd e-mails which invariably leave a big smile on my face. He says he’s found new “in-laws”.

I never told him, but he was more than a best friend; he was very much like a second brother to me. There are only a few people in life who leave everlasting impressions. Nikhil is one such person in my life. I met the “Metal God” from South India on Annual Sports Day, January 2001.

Note: Anything said about you is never enough my friend.

"Relinquish" is a fancy word for "Lose"

2006-02-17T00:07:00.000-05:00

Fall 2004. Average results at the recently concluded Inter-University Youth Festival had left the professors disappointed and us, the music club’s senior members, frustrated. That the drama students had fared better didn’t make things any better. Suddenly, the name of the club, “Harmony”, seemed very inappropriate. It was around this time that our professor in-charge came up with a brilliant idea.

Perhaps, the best way to boost our reputation would be to host an entire musical event in the college itself. Not only would it mean some much needed publicity for the music club, but with the home support, it would enhance our chances of success. It sounded like a good plan. On paper, it was. We got to work.

We spent the next couple of weeks notifying the rest of our members, organizing meetings, collecting suggestions, finalizing dates, and trying our level best not to panic. Our professor wasn’t very keen on letting non-members in, and she didn’t trust the juniors enough to give them any ‘real’ work. So it came down to three of us- me, Chintan and KD. Post-Graduate students would’ve struggled with the work load that was thrust upon us! Wait a minute; weren’t we supposed to be the musicians, the performers, the competitors? Oh well, what the hell…this was going to be fun! Or so we thought.

We met with a professional event manager to get a glimpse of the reality that was ahead of us. And we were not amused by the revelations. The next day, our Principal called us to his office to talk about the proposed event. He told us that the college’s reputation was at stake, and that he expected only the best out of us. Suddenly, we were under pressure. We told our professor in-charge that we needed reinforcements. This time she agreed. Help came in the form of classmates and people whom we knew could work. And organize. And manage. And not panic. Because that was something we were increasingly getting good at.

The new guys were smart and a bit more experienced at managing events. Soon they were handling about fifty-percent of the work. I had heard somewhere that “‘Relinquish’ is just a fancy word for ‘lose’…” We found the quote to be very true. With each passing day, we grew weaker and they grew stronger. They called themselves the EMC. The Event Management Committee.

Very soon they were dictating terms, and even though we were frustrated and often irritated, we knew they had earned every right to do so. They had contacts and were consistently hauling in sponsors, which of course translated into funds. We were now reduced to the role of mere spectators. To top it all, the EMC consisted mostly of close friends, which made matters complicated and intensified simple arguments and disputes. The EMC was now at the peak of its activities. We, at “Harmony”, were left reflecting on how we had relinquished control of our precious event. Or maybe, we had lost it.

We soon realized that we were not built for this stuff. Organizing and managing was not in our blood. We were desperate to salvage whatever little pride there was left. A month before the actual event we ‘officially’ quit, resigned to the fact that this was a lost cause. Surprisingly, none of the EMC members made fun of us. They told us we needed to practice well now. They were the home support. I knew we had made the right decision.

The date of the finals was December 17, 2004. We played well. Afterwards, I thanked the EMC on behalf of the band. The professors didn’t like the gesture. For some reason we were not supposed to acknowledge the organizers’ efforts. I didn’t care. It was worth it to see the small crowd of EMC faces cheering and waving wildly back at us. We won the “Best Band” award. I smiled and thought, “Well, they did their job. We did ours!”

P.S. This assignment was on writing about a job experience....Yeah, right!!!

When getting to class late is good

2006-02-12T05:15:00.000-05:00

During my entire first year at H.L. College, I was a nobody. That of course implied that I didn’t know a lot of people either. I was an introvert by nature. About halfway through my second year, things changed.

It was the first week of December that year. 2003 hadn’t really been amazing. I was turning twenty in three weeks. That’s all I looked forward to. Maybe I’d have better luck next year.
“Ronny! You’re late again!” My mother. She said those four words everyday before I left for college. And I tried my best to keep up this “tradition”. My mother just sighed. In Ahmedabad, the bus service wasn’t great. I always opted for an auto-rickshaw. We didn’t have a second car and I wasn’t allowed to drive a two-wheeler.

I fumbled for change as I got out of the auto-rickshaw. Shit. Shit! First lecture was Economics. And the professor wasn’t particularly pleasant towards latecomers. I had begun to wonder, after one and half years in the discipline, whether commerce was really what I wanted to do. So what if I missed the first lecture. I’d catch up. Maybe I didn’t even need the classes. Look for the money. Hurry. Hurry!

At H.L., students had to get inside the main building by 12 p.m. The college authorities locked the front entrance after that. Classes started at five-past. I didn’t even try for the front gates. There was a back entrance which would remain open for a few more minutes. I could still make it. I half walked-half ran to the back. Good. I was almost there.

“Excuse me……..” Who the hell? I turned around. The guy introduced himself as Karan. His goatee accentuated the weirdness of his smile. I knew him from before. He was one of the smarter and academically blessed people on campus. And he was a good drummer. I’d seen him playing at the previous year’s college festival. I admired him. At that instant though, I was screaming “Stupid senior!” in my head. These people were always on the look-out for junior prey, trying to get them to join clubs, help out with the annual festival, etc. “I’m getting late for class, dude.” I said that to him nineteen times. Again, in my head.

“I was wondering if you sing…?” What kind of a question was that? And yes, of course I did. Mostly in my room though. No training, no experience. “Why?” He got to the point. The guys at the music club were thinking of going a bit further than instrumentals at the cultural festival. They needed a vocalist. He’d seen me wearing a couple of my rock ‘n roll tees to college.
“No way man.” “Hey, you could try for the solo event too.” Yeah right. I sang for fun. Not for other people to make fun of me. “Auditions are tomorrow at 3 p.m., upstairs. I’ll see you there.” “But…..?” I was nervous. I was reluctant. I said yes. I made it to class a couple of minutes before my professor did.

I knew I’d forget lines under pressure. And I did. I messed up. I had to start over twice. The supervising professor said I had a good voice. I hated myself. Karan said the rest of the music club was impressed. He said practice would make perfect. Hah! The final gig was in a couple of weeks. I didn’t know whether to be terrified or excited about my first gig. We worked hard. The night before the gig, we practiced on the college grounds till six in the morning. Karan slept in his car because he had to rehearse for another event at 8.30 a.m. We played reasonably well. But the gig was very well received, largely because we were the first complete “rock ‘n roll” act in H.L. ever.

Over the next year we won competitions, played to entertain students, and had a lot of fun. Me and Karan even formed a separate band, outside of college. We made wonderful friends, who shared a common love for music. Karan always encouraged us and inspired us with his energy, his pep-talk. When I look back, I feel glad that he coaxed me to come to that audition. And that I met him partly because I was late for class. I still consider that day to be a major turning point in my life. I started breaking down the walls I had built around myself. Karan made me believe in my abilities. He always said I could do it. I simply believed him.
When I left India, Karan gave me a note which said, “Distances are only present in the physical state.” That’s him. Champion drummer. Philosopher extraordinaire. Friend for life. Karan “Olly” Dangayach.

P.S. Thank you Olly. For always being a friend, and a brother, in need.

Green Vase

2006-01-22T22:32:00.000-05:00

Cricket is huge in India. It’s a sport that is quite similar to baseball in that it has a bat and a ball, and you have people hitting the ball out of the park and others trying to catch it. One of the main ways it differs is that you bounce the ball to the batter instead of letting it rip at chest height. Back home, every kid dreams of growing up to be a cricket player. So did my brother and I. We were always lazy enough not to go to a professional coaching centre, but dedicated enough to carry on practicing and playing, at our own convenience, in and around the house. We played in the driveway sometimes, but it was the indoor version of the game which we always enjoyed the most.

Inside the house we had a twenty-five feet long corridor, which branched off like a ‘T’ into open spaces on either side. And that was our pitch. Runs or points would be scored by hitting the ball strategically into any of the rooms, or against any pre-designated wall.
We rarely played when dad was home; we could always convince mom into letting us play. My brother knew how badly I wanted to play, and used to bully me into letting him bat first. I always lost but I took it as a challenge to beat a guy six years older than me. Unfortunately, instead of hitting walls, my shots invariably ended up hitting furniture, tube lights, etc. Sigh.

We had a pair of beautiful green vases in the house, gifts my parents had received when they got married. We kept one of them in the drawing room. The other was kept in hallway, just off the corridor where we played. That day, my brother had finished batting first, as usual, and set me a huge target. I was struggling to keep up with the chase. I was going to lose. Again. I hated losing to him. I needed a big hit. My brother knew it and cleverly lofted a ball to me. I went for it. But alas, placement was obviously a skill I hadn’t mastered yet. The ball flew at the cabinet, where the vase stood. It hit the vase, which started wobbling. I wanted to run and grab the vase before it fell. I couldn’t. It was too far away to reach in two seconds. I watched helplessly as the vase shattered into a hundred pieces.

My mother came running from the drawing room. She said a bunch of words, but most of them were “Dad’s going to be very angry with you”. Or maybe that’s what they sounded like to me. In any case, she was quite upset too. We didn’t play indoors for quite sometime after that.

I wouldn’t let my mother throw away the broken pieces. Next day I bought adhesive and put the vase back together. My brother thought there was no point in it. We kept it back in the cabinet, but behind a few objects, to hide the ugly scars that I’d given it. Mom could’ve thrown it away then, but she didn’t. Dad came to know of it a few days later. He just shook his head, perhaps “mourning the loss”?

Back then it was a big deal for me. I made a silent promise that I would buy my parents a beautiful vase when I’d start working. A green one, preferably. I still remember that promise. Everybody forgot about the incident a few weeks after. Now, anyone hardly remembers that old vase, even my parents. Dad got posted at another city a few years later. We threw a lot of stuff away when we left Calcutta. The beautiful green vase went too.

Note: I wrote this as an assignment for my Writing Course at University for the topic "Write a short detailed account of a childhood experience". Will post other good stuff I write as part of the course too.

To my Ex-Bandmates....

2006-01-15T20:14:00.000-05:00

Swastika may be all but over, but the spirit of our music lives on. Just saw the CRI video again, and emotional ho gaya....

I miss the band. I miss friends.

Video Of The Week!

2006-01-10T00:53:00.000-05:00

Just to let everyone know I'll be posting one video each week, based on my rating or viewing that particular video in the week before. Can be really ancient or really fresh. Depends. Keep checking back people.

Love from Canada.

P.S. As you can guess, this week's vote goes to Rammstein's "Benzin", off their new record Rosenrot, and also "Feuer Frei!", which of course was released a long time back as part of the soundtrack for the movie "XxX". Benzin, translated from German means "Gasoline". Feur Frei means "Fire At Will". And it might have something to do with sex as well...try the English translation of the lyrics. And for trivia-sake, Rammstein genrify themselves as "Danz-Metall" or Dance-Metal. I liked them from before. Now I've rediscovered them. Thank God for German Metal. ICH LIEBE DEUTSCHES SCHWERMETALL!!!!

Seasons Greetings etc.

2006-01-01T11:23:00.000-05:00

A very Happy New Year to everyone.
More soon.

Love from Canada,

Ronny

Photo!

2005-12-18T02:06:00.000-05:00

Hehehehehehehehehe! [ ,.l.. ]

A little bit of nonsense

2005-12-18T01:49:00.000-05:00

......about a girl at school,she was dumb.she should have been a son.i kissed molly's lips.she sed we shud breed.it was a total lounge act with lithium and territorial pissings.she sed rape me.and i dived.everything was in bloom when she sed im gonna drain you.we came as we were.i was on a plain but there was something in the way.she asked me where did you sleep last night.i sed turnaround and stay away.she sed fuck u; smells like.....???? Milk it?

I never make any sense.Touche.Touche.

Inspiration Courtesy: Nirvana (for the less enlightened)

Another One!

2005-12-11T04:44:00.000-05:00

Sorry I can't stop. I call this one "Love thy darkness". Sketch of an image I found on Google image search. Inverted colors of course. Enjoy! (Smirk!)

School!

2005-12-10T22:26:00.000-05:00

"Wont you believe it, just my luck.
No recess!??!"

Nirvana

That's what Cobain said on "School" (which by the way is an awesome song!), and which is the way I feel with all this unrelenting work. Its not like I'm studying 24 hours or anything, but there IS pressure. Last few weeks have been a bit strenuous. Get this. Within the space of 2 weeks I have submitted 3 major essays, averaging about 20% each, made my first web-page (don't ask how...had no idea about html), gone to the Royal Ontario Museum 3 times for my Art History assignment (to examine a sculpture of Mary and Jesus; something like my sketch of it: look up) and written that assignment which took me almost all night, twice! Again don't ask me why or how. WTF!

And there were interesting revelations on the way. I realized I could actually sketch. Hehe. I mean c'mon that ain't a bad sketch eh? By the way don't mind the "eh" eh. It's a Canadian way of life. Not that I'm turning phorener and all, but you do tend to pick up some things. Hehe. Now thats the opposite of eheh eh!?! Bad joke.

If any of the people reading this love Nirvana and loved "Oh me!" on MTV Unplugged, then you just have GOT to listen to the original by the Meat Puppets. Very very nice.

Oh and by the way, next time you guys talk to me, know that you are talking to an Art History student who's conversant with analysis techniques and philosophies like Formalism, Iconography, Structuralism, Deconstruction et al. It is NOT a lot of fun though. Like Cobain said....."Oh me!"

Song!

2005-12-06T17:11:00.000-05:00

Karunesh - Punjab. And then there was bliss....

What Movie I am!!!

2005-11-23T00:23:00.000-05:00

Nice personality test. Check it out.

Thanx Sushmit!

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

New Pendant!!!

2005-11-14T03:35:00.000-05:00

By the way people, I got myself a nice pendant....something I always wanted to get...a SUN. Wicked!

Moaning and Bitching.....

2005-11-14T03:11:00.000-05:00

I'm bored....fucking bored. School ain't fun anymore. And even though I'm making friends slowly as time passes by, there is still a sort of emptiness inside. Boo-hoo.....I'm a lonely bitch. And a bored one too. I mean EA Sports:FIFA can keep u busy for a reasonable amount of time, but for how long? After sometime the silence gets to you. The silence in your life I mean. Back home life was a riot, with friends around and something happening almost everyday. Here its just the opposite, fun has shut shop and gone on strike. Boo-hoo.....Help! I wanna go home......for sometime at least. I'm bored and a bit tired too. Mmwwwwaaaahhhhh! The only thing keeping me alive is Southpark. Thank God for that at least. Even the "jam session" scheduled for Monday(we found 2 more musicians) was cancelled. I think God wants me to remain bored for sometime. I'll just play along. (weak smile)

Sub : My Profile

2005-11-06T01:54:00.000-05:00

Ok....what the hell is wrong with people???
I've said this earlier and I'll say it again, and maybe I'll post it alongside my profile...."Read the fucking Disclaimer!!!" First of all, I dont care what people think of my profile. And secondly, though I appreciate everyone's concerns, Iam not, contrary to popular belief, turning into any sort of anarchist punk-bitch. Nor am I abusing the people who do drugs. Rather, my comments are aimed at that worthless section of the population who do drugs and act like macho bitches just to look cool. Now if anyone has any problems with that, then in the words of the great Eric Cartman...."Fuchh Off!!!"

Thank You

Pages From The Diary (Part 1) : Breed

2005-11-06T01:41:00.000-05:00

When darkness comes to rule the hour
No sign of light as dusk devours
From the mists shall appear a beast,
Intent to feed and not to feast.
With wrath shall he destroy the reign,
Of evil and its brilliant game…
With blood and pain he’ll sow the seeds,
And watch the rise of his own breed.

Dibesh Saha
(2003)

The Return Of The Diary!

2005-10-25T21:12:00.000-04:00

I've found it! My yellow diary/note-pad which I used to write all sorts of stuff in....since around grade 12th or so, which is around 4 years I guess. I thought I'd lost it. Shit, now I think I'll call 'em the Archives from Hell. Some of the darkest and most wonderful stuff ever written by yours truly. I know I'm blowing my own trumpet again, but I just can't stop smiling. After a long time I'm really happy. Period. Have a test on thursday. Will start posting the contents soon after. Check this space for updates! And by the way, Swastika-people, remember the song that was never born? Well, the forces in my head have copulated to conceive the extraordinary child that is "Bane". Or in my humble opinion.....A new song that KICKS ASS!!!

Oh yeah baby! Beware hell, this is the return of the psycho......

Heaven After Life

2005-10-24T02:13:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you want to move away, but you don’t get a second chance
Sometimes you want to look away, but you want just another glance
Sometimes you wait for the tears held back in your eyes to flow,
Just like the poor thirsty summer waits for the rain to pour….
Sometimes there is no other way than to apologize
Sometimes it just isn’t fair how we make our own folks cry
Sometimes you’ll think of the wasted chances that you’ve thrown away
Sometimes we never seem to care if someone’s son is blown away…..

It makes me wonder why we live this life,
‘Cause one day all of us will die,
Why do we just have to fight?
Do just wrong and do no right?
Only what we do survives,
So do some good, think what is right…
We just leave, we never die….
Awaiting Heaven after life…..

Dibesh Saha
(2004)

Notes:

This is not the prequel of "Hell After Life". Contrasting viewpoints, or the other side of the coin I suppose. But not parts of a narrative. I wrote this back in December, 2004, way before "Hell....." was written. Swastika debuted it as a song on the 18th of the same month. The song came off well, the show unfortunately didn't......thanks to their worthless singer.....

Phew!!!

2005-10-21T23:10:00.000-04:00

After 2 weeks of chaos and frenzy at University writing one 1200 word essay complete with a thesis,references and a bibliography, and another 3500 word description of a 4 and 1/2 minute non-stop shot or long-take for my Film Studies course, and an Art History mid-term, I finally get enough time to say....Phew!!! And as for next week....Yeah Biaatchhh!Bring it on!

As for other stuff I've been doing over the week.....hmmm.....well I've been skipping back and forth between Modern Rock like Saliva, Puddle Of Mudd, Nickelback, Godsmack etc, and some Old-School 80's Metal. So its not really a surprise that my vote for Video of the week goes to.....tadaaa....Limp Bizkit's cover of Sanitarium at MTV Icon featuring Metallica. Also saw video of Puddle Of Mudd's Control.....you can pretty much expect what's going to be in the video if you read the lyrics....but the ending, even though a bit juvenile, is quite fun. Had me smiling all the way. "Wicked!", like they say here. And guess who's the director.....tadaaa....Fred Durst! Watch it. Good enough for one time viewing, at least. Plus the drummer drops one of his sticks during a roll, which our dear friend Olly is very "adept" at!

By the way, I downloaded an awesome song the other day. Has to be this week's Song of the week.....Coheed and Cambria's "Welcome Home". No its not a cover of Sanitarium.....I'm not gonna embarass myself by trying to discuss the technicalities of the song, coz Nikhil already warned me against it. But to give you a very general idea, the lead guitarist who is also the lead vox(Nikhil, learn) looks exactly like Slash and plays a few licks just like him but in this song he does a Zakk Wylde with Pinch Harmonics all over the place. The song is very Iron Maiden-ish, with a close resemblance to their "The Nomad". Also very apparent is the use of good guitar harmonies in the song. Recommended*****! And here I would like to make an announcement.....this song has inspired me enough to make me dedicate most of my musically-creative time to producing similar medieval-ish rhythm structures.....by the way I finally acknowledge the fact that though a lot of people bich about the use of keyboards in Rock, they definitely bring a sense of wholesomeness to the song. Of course at the same time you can't insert them just about anywhere.

Was working on a good piece which I call "I am", till very recently when I got flooded with University work....hopefully will finish it sometime soon. Thought I was coming up with a few good lines and a good structure overall for the song. Lets see.

Ok have to eat now......cheers!

Quote - Unquote

2005-10-14T04:18:00.000-04:00

"There are no good people or bad people.It's just a question of differences in opinion."

psychkick
(2005)

Notes:
I picked this up off something my very good friend,Olly,once said.

Quote - Unquote

2005-10-14T01:24:00.000-04:00

"Everyone is born alive.
You start dying after...."

psychkick
(2005)

Quote - Unquote

2005-10-10T04:13:00.000-04:00

"So don't let the world bring you down,
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.
Remember why you came and while you're alive,
Experience the warmth before you grow old."

From:
"The Warmth"
(Incubus)

Notes:

No one likes getting hurt.But don't let that tie you down."Experience the warmth".
Love people.Don't hurt them.

Quote - Unquote

2005-10-06T18:35:00.000-04:00

"I know I can't hold the hate inside my mind
'Cause what consumes your thoughts controls your life

So I'll just ask a question
A lonely simple question
I'll just ask one question

What if you did?
What if you lied?
What if I avenge?
What if eye for an eye?

What if your words could be judged like a crime?"

From:
"What If"
(Creed)

Quote - Unquote

2005-10-03T22:23:00.000-04:00

"I think people who define genres actually undermine individuality and abuse the basic human right to freedom,to be what he wants to be;by forcing him to choose one style or form of living over the other.That is the primary reason I refuse to be categorized into any genre or type.That is the primary reason I refuse to be defined."

"Undefine"
psychkick
(2005)

Lanka (Incomplete)

2005-10-03T22:09:00.000-04:00

Beyond the hills,across the ocean,
There is a land where demons rule.
Tyranny abundant,empire of darkness,
An evil power,to rule them all.
Lord of the demons,lord of his land,
The mighty Ravana,he wants it all,
Then to the rescue shall come a slayer
To free His bride,and all mankind......

Notes:

This song,incomplete for over a year now,has a direct reference to the Ramayana,the ancient Indian epic.Hopefully will finish it sometime soon.

Hell After Life

2005-09-29T01:33:00.000-04:00

No sign of fear, no sign of pain,
I treat everyone with hate and with disdain.
“Go and fuck yourself”, that’s what I’ll say,
As for my actions, there’s hell to pay.
Love’s not on my list, I think its dead,
A new bitch every night is what I need instead.
I kill for pleasure, I score for fame
Is this a religion? Is this a game?
It’s alright baby, I know you’re new.
Let me just welcome you to a different point of view.
I’ll show you what its like to live life on the edge,
Purge blood, the booze is free; violent acts of rage.

Don’t fucking care anymore; life is just a joke…
Do you care anymore? Your life is just a joke….

You sit on your little throne and you think that you’ll get by,
But you know that anyhow you’ll get hell after life….
You stand on the side and you think that you’ll get by,
But you know what? Anyhow you’ll get hell after life.

Notes:

What if there was no judgment?What if there was no such thing as a conscience?What if you could commit every little "sin" you've ever thought of,without the fear of being condemned?
Would that be the perfect society that Man has always dreamt of?The Utopia from Hell.

The Edge Of Chaos

2005-09-27T12:15:00.000-04:00

This one is dedicated to Aileen Wuornos.
May her soul Rest In Peace.

My frozen dreams burn inside of me
Death is a way of life, now let me be
Forget the evil that’s outside, but you see
I hate them so; I’ll drag them down to hell with me...
Will I ever be forgiven?
Or will I wear this shame around my neck.....
Now I live to be forgotten
This cloud inside my head won’t disappear
And it drives me way, way too near.....the edge of chaos...

My life had ended the day that I was born,
Raped as a child, I learnt it was a way to earn
My story bleeds itself from pages torn
And my dreams they always seem to crash and burn......
Mistaken fear that hounds me,
I feel the darkness close around me fast,
I’ve always lived to be forgotten,
This mark on my soul I have to bear,
And it pushes me way, way too near.....the edge of chaos....

Did you look into the mirror?
Did you look into my life?
In some way or the other,
We seem to be alike....
We love to hate each other
You’d love to see me die,
But still I will be waiting
Coz you are next in line.....

When you looked into the mirror
Could you see me laugh at you?
Illusions of a dead man,
They won’t stop haunting you.
Your heart’s filled with darkness,
A sign of the human race....
My painful execution,
You won’t forget my face....
Innocence what you took and
Gave me a gun to kill,
Torturing me in death row,
Can’t fuckin' break my will....
No matter how you sell me,
I won’t stop hating you....
I’m on the edge of chaos,
And now I’m going through.....

Notes:

Aileen Wuornos(1956-2002)

The "Damsel of Death" Aileen Wuornos violently killed strangers, all men, along Florida highways over 13-months in 1989 and 1990, while working as a prostitute. One prosecutor described her at the 1992 trial as a "homicidal predator," saying she was, "like a spider on the side of the road, waiting for prey-men." Suspected of at least 7 murders, she was sentenced to die for 6 murders. Initially she claimed she murdered in self-defense after being raped and sodomized, but she later withdrew these claims. She robbed and killed one victim for $200, to rent an apartment for her and a lesbian-lover.

Born in Michigan, her mother abandoned her as an infant. Her father, a convicted child molester, committed suicide in prison. She was raised by her grandparents. A former neighbor, Annie Smith, of Troy, recalls her as a nervous child, mistreated by her grandparents. "She had a rotten childhood. I think that does have something to do with it ... The grandparents were very private people. They wouldn't associate with anyone. She had a miserable life on this earth. People can only do as they're treated," Smith said.

Pregnant at 14, the result of a rape, she was forced to give up her child. She dropped out of Troy High in the 9th grade and became a prostitute at 15, as she began abusing alcohol and drugs. Drifting from state to state, she used different aliases. She was arrested for disorderly conduct, driving under the influence and a weapons charge between 1974 and 1977, in Colorado.

Her first murder victim was Richard Mallory, a Clearwater electronics shop owner found in 1989 in Volusia County. After standing trial for Mallory's death, Wuornos pleaded guilty to 5 other murders in Florida. Wuornos claims to have killed a 7th man.

Billy Nolas, who represented Wuornos in her 1992 in Daytona Beach trial, said she suffered from borderline personality disorder as a result of neglect and sexual abuse as a child. He described her as "the most disturbed individual I have represented."

"I'm one who seriously hates human life and would kill again," she told the Florida Supreme Court.

Raag Singhal , Fort Lauderdale attorney, wrote to the Florida Supreme Court with "grave doubts" about her mental condition. Three state-appointed psychiatrists determined she was "cognizant and lucid," and ready to be executed after interviewing her for 30 minutes. They rejected arguments she was "borderline psychotic." Florida Governor Jeb Bush signed her death warrant on October 2. No connection was made between her past and violent, psychopathic behavior.

She was a "volunteer" for execution, one of a growing number of death row inmates who choose death over death row.

A Troy, Michigan native, at age 46, she was executed by lethal injection in Florida on Wednesday, October 9th, 2002, at 9:47 a.m. after dropping her appeals, firing the lawyers who argued she was crazy and petitioned the state for an execution as soon as possible.

She was described as in a "good mood" during the final hours she awaited her death.

The 52nd person executed in Florida since their reinstatement of the death penalty, and the second woman, her final words were, "I'd just like to say I'm sailing with the Rock and I'll be back like 'Independence Day' with Jesus, June 6, like the movie, big mother ship and all. I'll be back." The Rock is a Biblical reference to Jesus.

Her ashes were scattered in Fostoria in Tuscola County among walnut trees by a childhood friend, Dawn Botkins. They became friends when they were 15 year old high school dropouts in Troy. Dawn visited Aileen the night before her execution, then brought her ashes back to Michigan to scatter the in the yard of her home.

She believed she was a victim of her life.

References:

The above article was taken from the following web-page:

http://www.karisable.com/skazwuornos.htm

Recommended Viewing:

"Monster" starring Charlize Theron.Especially the ending scene and the stare.

THE LIST

2005-09-26T23:16:00.000-04:00

1.Megadeth - Foreclosure Of A Dream
2.Kiss - War Machine
3.Metallica - Welcome Home(Sanitarium)
4.Metallica - Creeping Death
5.Metallica - The Four Horsemen
6.Megadeth - Mechanix
7.Megadeth - The Scorpion
8.Megadeth - Captive Honour
9.Megadeth - FFF
10.Megadeth - Vortex
11.Megadeth - Silent Scorn/Return To Hangar
12.Judas Priest - Beyond The Realms Of Death
13.Judas Priest - Touch Of Evil
14.Godsmack - Keep Away
15.Godsmack - Reallign
16.A Perfect Circle - Passive
17.Megadeth - Tornado Of Souls
18.No Vacancy - Fight(School Of Rock soundtrack,over opening credits)
19.Blondie - Call Me

Top Vids:

1.A 19-minute Thrash-Metal documentary made by some guy from Sweden featuring Metallica,Anthrax,Sepultura,Motorhead,etc.
2.Metallica - Live Shit!Binge and Purge,Live In Seattle,Part 1
3.Megadeth - Hangar 18(Live),1990(which furthered my opinion that Nick Menza is Fucking Awesome!)
4.A 30-minute Metallica video from 1983(claims to be their debut performance),featuring Dave Mustaine on Lead Guitars.You can see why he is called the man with an attitude!Good stuff.Track listing - Mechanix,Phantom Lord,Jump In The Fire,Motorbreath,No Remorse,Seek And Destroy.Hetfield sings off-key several times and tries to make up with his screams and growls.Mustaine plays semi-frontman by speaking(a lot!) in between songs.I think that's the primary reason he got kicked out.Because Hetfield couldn't stand Mustaine getting so much of the spotlight.
5.Megadeth - Symphony Of Destruction video.Mostly archived footage(I absolutely love these kind of videos).The video version is a bit different than the studio version.For one it has a part with double-bass drums.

Notes:

Listing "current playlist" songs is something I picked up from my brother.
"The List" basically comprises of the best of the stuff I've been listening to(or watching) throughout the week.
Sort of my personal Top 10(or whatever) in no particular order.
This will probably be a weekly post.

The Time Has Come

2005-09-26T00:52:00.000-04:00

As the scriptures foretold,
So shall Man behold,
The wrath of God,
Through nature's fury.
The day would have arrived,
The time would have come.

Notes:

The increasing frequency and magnitude of natural calamities over the past 2-3 years is a constant reminder of the size of the grave that Man has been,and still is,digging for himself with his own hands.

The Swastika:What It Means

2005-09-25T17:42:00.000-04:00

This is a very short explanation.I will try to follow it up later on with an extended version.
Firstly the Swastika,contrary to popular belief,was not invented by the Nazis.Adolf Hitler took what was a holy symbol derived from Hindu mythology and scriptures,and tilted it slightly and transformed it into a symbol of horror and tyranny.And worst of all he called it his own.Fucker.(Adolf,if you're rolling in your grave,please read the Disclaimer and kindly fuck off.Also it is recommended you watch "Schindler's List".)
Anyways,the Swastika has a lot of interpretations even within Hindu mythology.Some people look at it as a symbol of peace and harmony.But the one explanation which seemed to me to be the most practical,sensible and specific of them all was that the Swastika symbolized the "cycle of time".
According to Hindu mythology,Time is divided into 4 equal quadrants or "Yugs".The Satyug,Dwaparyug,Tretayug and Kalyug in direct sequence.The quantum of good and evil shifts balances through these ages or "Yugs".The good is taken over slowly but surely by the evil,starting from the first Yug,the Satyug,when vice and immorality are the weakest to the last Yug,the Kalyug,when they have risen to great strengths and rule human minds like kings.
But the scriptures foretell that it is then that the Almighty God in the form of a destroyer(Shiva?)shall Himself come down to earth to vanquish the evil.The earth will be plagued by great floods,famines,earthquakes and storms all at the same time.He shall annihilate the greatest of the sinners and take back what good is left in His children back with him.There will be absolute total inhabitation of the earth for several years before God,in the form of the Restorer,sends His children down to earth again,cleansed of all evil and immorality;and once again will begin the great cycle of time.

Notes and References:

Shi·va also Si·va (shv, s-)
n. Hinduism

One of the principal Hindu deities, worshiped as the destroyer and restorer of worlds and in numerous other forms. Shiva is often conceived as a member of the triad also including Brahma and Vishnu.

The song "Swastika" is set in the time period when the Destroyer is said to walk the earth.

Swastika:Ode To The Destroyer

2005-09-25T16:40:00.000-04:00

Infinite Darkness......
Then a light shines forth.........

Great God in the sky,
Come to your servants and
Show us the way
To find salvation in this life,
That you have given us,
Holy Lord you have to free us now.....
Swastika show us the light,
That lights the way past the gates of doom,
Into heaven, yes Holy Heaven where you reside,
Oh God have mercy for what we’ve done.....
Embrace us in Your arms,
I promise I won’t let go....
We are Your children,
But we fight like demons....
Oh Father,
In Your heart I know,
You’ll forgive us all....
Father make me see, the truth that’s bent,
The lies that hide in shadows....
Promise You’ll come like a tearing storm
To vanquish evil, for all time.......

SWASTIKA…..

A fire lights the dark, Destroyer’s taken birth,
Salvation on the way, the Great One walks the earth,
The hell ways open up and evil’s going through,
There is nowhere to go but where He wants you to....

The time has come, the skies turn red,
The good survive, the rest are dead.
You summon the winds, the earth will shake,
You’ll take away, all that’s fake....
The time has come, to say goodbye,
The rain will pour, like blood from skies,
All that’s evil, will dissipate,
Truth lives on, the fake are dead.......

SWASTIKA......

Notes:

Perhaps the best the song I've ever written.Period.Especially considering the coincidences and circumstances under which it was written.I still get goose bumps every time I hear the opening riff.

A glimmer of Hope in an era of darkness.

God Bless.

First(and Second)Week Action At UTM

2005-09-25T00:05:00.000-04:00

Well to sum up the first week at University in a word would be,as one Mr. Dave Mustaine once very aptly put.......Borrrrriiinnnggg!!!Except for the lectures,most of which were quite fun.There was a screening of an old 1932 movie called Trouble In Paradise,as a part of the course, in one of the Film Studies lectures.I had been a bit apprehensive about 'black and white'-era movies,and Anant had shown his concern over my possible inability to digest all the Oldies stuff.But to be honest,the movie turned out to be quite a nice one and a funny one too.Clearly,humour back then was pretty sharp and witty,as compared to the usual slap-stick one encounters these days.And you really had to be attentive to be able to grasp and consequently laugh at the jokes and comments.Good movie.Shattered the inhibitions I had about old movies.
Din't have much of a clue in my first Art History class.No fucking background whatsoever in art.Have to do a lot of reading before next week's classes.However at one of my Art History Tutorial classes,we had a discussion on whether Marcel Duchamp's "Fountain"(1917) was really a work of art.You can take a look at the pic here www.beatmuseum.org/duchamp/fountain.html
What amazed me was that lots of people seemed to think that art only means what you can create by painting,drawing,photography,etc.Something original made out of your own hands.
I disagree.What I think is that it takes real fucking brains to come up with an idea to transform a simple everyday object into something entirely different.In this case a pee-station into a fountain.Brilliant!Its not the physical labour that counts.Its the idea.And who thought about it first.So FUCK YOU Anu Malik!
What I thought,and later the the T.A. stated,was that Duchamp was actually deliberately attacking the so called self-proclaimed egalitarian art society who tried to define art.His work made me think and ask myself a question.Its not important how or by what standards we define art.Its the question of why we need to define it in the first place?
Anyways very funny thing happened at one of my Film Studies lectures.I fucking fell asleep man.For 1-2 minutes I was gone.And right under the prof's nose in the front row.I'd had a hotdog for lunch,which turned out to be quite heavy and 2 hours later I was dozing off while the prof was showing us clips in a darkened room.But anyways I regained control later and got through the lecture without the prof noticing,thankfully.
Met this Indian guy on the bus back home one day.Turned out to be pretty friendly.Then went with him on last Thursday to sign up at the various clubs at University.What really shocked and ashamed me was that there was no Indian Association there.But you could find almost every other Asian country there.So we finally signed up with the South Asian Alliance which is basically the sub-continent in all its glory.Yay.Whatever.Fucking lazy worthless Indians.Can't even run a Club.
Nothing else worth mentioning happened in these 2 weeks,except that I spent 1 hour last to last friday walking around campus in bloody cold rain searching for a DVD of "Trouble In Paradise" coz our Prof had told us to have a few more looks at it.Oh by the way I got 2 out of 5 in my first surprise quiz!Really unfair to take quizzes in just the second week!
And best of all,I spent 3 hours on my first day at college listening to Megadeth and reading "The Rule Of Four" in the middle of a bustling University meeting hall.
Hope you enjoyed reading about my despair and agony.

Fucking Sadists!

!!!Disclaimer/Warning!!!

2005-09-24T22:30:00.000-04:00

To be frank I'll write about any damn thing I want.But if any of my postings seem dumb or even offensive to anyone in anyway(I doubt they will ever be offensive apart from random use of profanities),I suggest you get your ass offa my space,coz if you din't notice already,you're in my space.So kindly step off.Because you're not welcome,if you don't welcome.

Notice:

This is a Disclaimer about the offensive content.
This is a Warning about the dumb content.

Thank You

Passive....

2005-09-19T01:20:00.000-04:00

Dead as dead can be, my doctor tells me
But I just can’t believe him, ever the optimistic one
I’m sure of your ability to become my perfect enemy

Wake up and face me, don’t play dead 'cause maybe
Someday I will walk away and say, You disappoint me,
Maybe you’re better off this way....

Leaning over you here, cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection,of what you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
To become… my perfect enemy…

Wake up and face me, don’t play dead 'cause maybe
Someday I’ll walk away and say, You disappoint me,
Maybe you’re better off this way....

Maybe you’re better off this way
Maybe you’re better off this way
Maybe you’re better off this way
You’re better of this… you’re better off this…
Maybe you’re better off!

Wake up and face me, don’t play dead, 'cause maybe
Someday I’ll walk away and say, You fucking disappoint me!
Maybe you’re better off this way....

Go ahead and play dead
I know that you can hear this
Go ahead and play dead
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
You fucking disappoint me!

Passive agressive bullshit....

-Passive

(A PERFECT CIRCLE)

"Wicked" Lyrics....literally.

No Subject!

2005-09-17T15:16:00.000-04:00

I'll take a moment to welcome myself to the world of blogging.....Welcome.
Hopefully my posts,most of which might be random and erratic,will provide the kind of kix which some people are looking for - Brain Stew,as "Greenday" might put it.
And provide the kind of shit that other people are looking for to label as,well,Shit.

13thpsycho